Starting Over Always

by Chris de Serres

We are paying the price for what happened to us in childhood.  I lived in many towns, made many friends, and moved away from them many times.  It seemed like we were endlessly starting over.  There was pain and loss, but you think that kids are resilient.  They adjust.  It is easier for them.  Yet I remember the pain and loss.  I remember feeling comfortable.  More myself than I ever did.  I remember having to leave it all behind.  At some point there is a sort of guardedness that becomes baked into you.  This seemingly acceptance that life is filled with acquantances and maybe that’s all I should ever look for.  I want friends who know me, who love me, and who don’t give up on me.  Yet, I don’t try too hard to know others.  I may be an adult but there is always this childhood sense of how transient life can be.  I could never quite shake this feeling that everything around me could change and that I have no control over that.  I never did in childhood.

I had a CPR class this morning.  I just didn’t go.  I know part of it is my introversion.  My fear is that I can invest myself in something seemingly benign and it just not work out.  So I am never truly invested.  I wonder if things like this can change.  If we can change.  I have always wanted to do what I wanted to do.