I Write Because…

by Chris de Serres

I write because I want to express myself but I didn’t want to talk.  Talking requires other people, their opinions and judgments.  I just wanted to say something and not hear the echo or response.  Sometimes I write for ego, so I let others read this.  Maybe they’ll think that what I wrote was good and hopefully not bad.  But the best of me are things that no one has read because it wasn’t meant for them.

Sometimes I want to know if I have become delusional or crazy.  So I write, then I come back later and read it.  Often I was crazy in that moment and i’m grateful that this is how it can be expressed.  I write to laugh at myself.  At how romantic, cheesy, judgmental, angry, and sad I can be.  I write to discover how I am still many things that I thought I wasn’t.  A child.  A lonely person surrounded by people.  The moments are just that, and they exist there for a few seconds or minutes.  When I am done writing the moment has ended and I am now someone else completely.  The words are squeezed out of me like a sponge and I am no longer weighed down, but instead I am light and full of air.

Sometimes I write to see if I can bounce back from failure.  I fail but writing about failing is like slowing my breathing down, inhaling deeply, and exhaling the waste product.  Writing is remembering to breathe and I always forget to.  So often I don’t write because I am anxious and tense and it’s hard to breathe.

I was never comfortable with telling someone else how I feel.  With trust.  Writing I can trust.  When it’s written on a piece of paper it is there, and I make little effort to hide it because I know my writing is the best expression of me.  Better than talking ever will be.  So I leave little bits of my writing out for those people I trust.  I want them to see it and know it.  Know me.

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