Seasons Change

by Chris de Serres


About three weeks ago it happened.  The morning was just a little bit colder.  The day felt stormy.  The Sun came out and it began to heat up, but Summer was setting.  I was clearly being sent a message.

In my typical descent I begin to feel a little bit sicker.  The mornings become gradually more difficult.  I wake up with a giant granite slab laying on my body.  My mind and body recede and curl up into a ball.  Soon I feel lethargic and depressed for no apparent reason.  I give up on goals and drift on aimlessly.  I can’t seem to get anything started.  I stop biking to work.  My weekly runs trail off.  It is a miracle if I can get one good run in a week.  I eat more comfort food.  I wake up 10 lbs heavier and feel ever more disgusted with my body.

I can’t rock climb in Fall or Winter, so I search for something else.  I force myself to sign up for a 25k trail run that I may or may not be able to do.  But I sign up and spend the money.  It’s a little beacon of hope.  Something to keep me out of the depths.

I have two sunlight lamps.  One for home and the other for the office.  I try to stay engaged at work, try to respond to emails and phone calls in a timely manner.  I almost never show up to social engagements.  It’s too hard.  My body and mind are under assault.  I am just trying to survive the Winter.

The worst part is the effect I have on my family.  They suffer through this with me.  The moods.  The apathy.  My daughter exhorts me each day to do spend quality time together.  I try my hardest to meet her there.  I try hard.

It is an incredible debilitation.  It sometimes feels like an out of body experience.  I’m a fly on the wall, watching all of the passion and zest for life escape out of my body like a slowly leaking balloon.  A non-participate with no influence on the outcome.  In many ways, those long gray misty rainy Seattle days are a perfect representation.

We had a great day yesterday.  That’s how I take it, day by day.  Just trying to string together as many good days as possible.

I sometimes wonder if I was a bear in a previous life.  I hibernate.  I imagine very few creatures appreciate the Summer like a bear does.  I appreciate you Summer.

Now time to sign up for that Winter race which I may or may not do.