by Chris de Serres
About three weeks ago it happened. The morning was just a little bit colder. The day felt stormy. The Sun came out and it began to heat up, but Summer was setting. I was clearly being sent a message.
In my typical descent I begin to feel a little bit sicker. The mornings become gradually more difficult. I wake up with a giant granite slab laying on my body. My mind and body recede and curl up into a ball. Soon I feel lethargic and depressed for no apparent reason. I give up on goals and drift on aimlessly. I can’t seem to get anything started. I stop biking to work. My weekly runs trail off. It is a miracle if I can get one good run in a week. I eat more comfort food. I wake up 10 lbs heavier and feel ever more disgusted with my body.
I can’t rock climb in Fall or Winter, so I search for something else. I force myself to sign up for a 25k trail run that I may or may not be able to do. But I sign up and spend the money. It’s a little beacon of hope. Something to keep me out of the depths.
I have two sunlight lamps. One for home and the other for the office. I try to stay engaged at work, try to respond to emails and phone calls in a timely manner. I almost never show up to social engagements. It’s too hard. My body and mind are under assault. I am just trying to survive the Winter.
The worst part is the effect I have on my family. They suffer through this with me. The moods. The apathy. My daughter exhorts me each day to do spend quality time together. I try my hardest to meet her there. I try hard.
It is an incredible debilitation. It sometimes feels like an out of body experience. I’m a fly on the wall, watching all of the passion and zest for life escape out of my body like a slowly leaking balloon. A non-participate with no influence on the outcome. In many ways, those long gray misty rainy Seattle days are a perfect representation.
We had a great day yesterday. That’s how I take it, day by day. Just trying to string together as many good days as possible.
I sometimes wonder if I was a bear in a previous life. I hibernate. I imagine very few creatures appreciate the Summer like a bear does. I appreciate you Summer.
Now time to sign up for that Winter race which I may or may not do.