A Message To Her

by Chris de Serres

I wonder how it was we came to be here.  In some ways our relationship is better than ever.  We have a foundation built on our family life.  Our daughter binds us together forever.  We are able to pursue our individual passions with the comfort of knowing we have each other.  I feel a confidence in myself that I only feel with the presence of you.  You know me and my inner demons.  You give me space because I am the kind of person who needs alot of space.  So are you.

We used to be reckless.  We used to have very little responsibility.  We were young and in love.  I look back with fond memories.  It was nice to just wake up and be out the door in minutes.  If anything i’ve learned about us now is that we can carry the weight.  We have held onto some backbreaking burdens.  We have struggled and clawed our way back into the light.  In our beginning we should have broken up.  What I put you through.  I don’t know how we got through it.

Every struggle we have now is informed by that initial scar tissue.  I see the person you’ve become and it is surreal the you that is you here and now.  Your motherhood.  Your independent businesswoman.  Your nasty woman.  Your advocate.  Your goddess who sings and practices magik.  Your wife who pleads for more intimacy.

I was never scared off or bothered by who you have become.  I admired it and wanted it to continue.  It continues.

It’s a weird time to be in my 40’s.  I feel so uncertain about so many things.  All I have is you to rely on.  My constant.  I need you to believe me and convince me again and again to believe in myself.  I don’t always do.  I love you.  I know you.

I don’t know many people but I know you.  I have watched you for many years.  You pushed me away.  You inspired me.  You showed me how to be.  You angered and frustrated me.  You were in my grasp and perpetually out of reach.

Sometimes I feel too selfish to wait to have you.  To be with you.  To have you tell me that I do exist.  To confirm that I am here and that you love me.  It is hard the sacrifices we make to have something more.  We don’t always get what we want or need but we have each other.

So I guess I could say you are the love of my life and that you are my one and only, but I guess I want to make a plea for a little more water and sunshine.  It’s how living things grow.  We have grown together.  We will continue to celebrate on the day after.  There’s too much to do.  So once again we defer us.

I just want you to know that I see this invisible thing.  Even though it doesn’t come first or second or third.  It is there and it is filled with love.  On long days when we forget and in brief moments when we remember.  I love you girl.  I wouldn’t know how to live a day without you.

When we first met I am not sure that I knew about what real love meant but I know it in you.  It’s not perfect.  It ripples like a current and lashes out in surprising and profound ways.  It’s the calm underneath the waves.  It’s quiet and nonverbal and knowing.  It’s how I can read your mind and you can mine.  Knowing.

Thanks for being my love.  For giving me a beautiful daughter.  For just being you, and trying to be more of you with each day.  I may mock you and smile knowingly, but I really am just filled with gratitude for the opportunity to be with you even if I don’t always know how to express it earnestly in that moment.  Happy Day After!